I looked outside last night and this it what I saw. The color outside was a spooky yellow hue. The pictures do not quite capture the strangeness of the clouds. They were unlike anything I have ever seen before. My mom described them as upside down clouds. "Bubble like"Have you ever "felt" the devil around you? That is how I feel lately. He is attacking our family. We are inviting him in, entertaining him, and he is happy.
I haven't been praying for the right things. Certainly not what God would want me to pray for. I am working on that.
My marriage is on the brink of destruction. We spend what little time we have together fighting. The only way I can describe it is I feel like he is sucking the life out of me. I feel panicky and almost paralyzed when I am around him. He feels that I am always griping(that is the nice word) at him. I'll be honest, I am. We both are doing things we shouldn't. He blows up on me every time I ask for help around here. And I do have to ask for him too. He says he doesn't want to do it because he works all day. All I do is take care of kids and people do that all the time.
I feel like I don't know him anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really did. He won't go to church. This was a man who went at least twice a week before we were married. I am scared because I know that we can't live like this. It is toxic to our souls and to our children. What do you do when the other person won't change their ways? Because right now I can't take much more. This is me raw, exposed. I am not liking it. So, please be gentle.
6 comments:
I've been praying for you for some time.
I've not been in your shoes of having little ones in the home while going through this, but we have been in your shoes. Our solution was a GREAT Christian counselor who specialized in marriage and addictions (interesting combination!). We have sought his help three different times over the years when we were having issues.
I say this with lots of love, cause I KNOW this to be true from our marriage...you can't change him. That is God's job. The only time I have seen Jack change for God's glory is when I keep my mouth shut and pray. Even over the littlest of issues.
I can't imagine being in your shoes of still healing, hormones that are still not "back to normal", nursing, tending to TWO little ones, tending to the house...and feeling so alone. (I know loneliness, but not with all the little ones needs.)
I have no great words of wisdom... just lots of prayers for your family.
Breath, pray, eat good foods, sleep in bed without little ones....the beginning to any road of healing.
Forget cleaning the toilet...you can do that next year! Don't even think about dusting. And if toys are everywhere, then they are! Wrinkled and stained outfits are okay....your smile is what your children will remember!
praying like crazy for you!!!
Jane
I have been praying for you for some time as well...I knew you and your hubby were struggling from previous posts you made...and I just want to come over there and give you a big HUG and pray with you and just help you out...or whatever. But since I can't...I will pray hard. I can't imagine how tough this must be for you...I know that I would just be dying inside if I knew my marriage was going horribly wrong...not for me...but for my kids...and for the fact that they might "lose" or may have already lost their daddy. Oh Sheri, I don't even know what to say...but you and your family are often in my thoughts...and God DOES answer prays...so I will pray.
Oh Sheri I am so sorry. I just want to give you a big hug too. I am praying for you and for things to get better. I feel so terrible you are going through a difficult time. Hang in there and take care of yourself. That is what matters most- a healthy mommy for those sweet angels.
Aww, Sheri. I know it can be sooo rough when you've got two little ones so close in age demanding so much of you. Hang in there.
My advice would be to keep up on the basics (laundry, dishes, cooking), but if you must, let the rest go. Clutter isn't a big deal if there is a good meal on the table when your man gets home hungry in the evenings. Just do your best to meet the needs of the kiddos by day, and to set a pleasant 'tone' for the times your hubby is home. Before long, the kids will grow out of this level of 'needy-ness' from you, and things will regulate somewhat.
I think you're right in that the old devil would love to tear apart families...would love to get in there and discourage and do whatever he can to sidetrack the Lord's people from their first love...from doing those things in this life that really matter. We have to be vigilant and guard against it. Arming ourselves spiritually (that Armor of the Lord mentioned in Ephesians) and cultivating the fruits of the Spirit...are very important in the fight against the enemy.
When natural disasters threaten, it always gets me thinking about what would happen if I were to lose my home and stuff. And I always think...if my family and I all got out of it safely, the rest is just 'stuff' that can be replaced...but family...family is most important.
Hang in there, woman. Know I'm praying for y'all.
Sheri--
I was thinking about you yesterday and was so glad to see that you posted a comment on Adrienne's blog.
I can tell you all the things I would have done differently when I was in your shoes, BEFORE divorce.
If you want, shoot me an email with your phone number and I'll give you a call tomorrow--or whenever it works for you.
Hang in there!!
Erin
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